A Zen Look at Dating & Religious Beliefs
Dating and religeous belief-a zen perspective
Title: A Zen Look at Dating & Religious Beliefs
Author: Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach
Article:
You’re dating and your religious beliefs are different. How much
difference does this make?
The answer is: Another person’s religious beliefs are important
to you to the degree they’re important to you.
This may sound like begging the question, but it’s an important
thing to ‘get’.
Assuming you’re looking for marriage, you need to make a “must
have” and “can’t stand” list. If certain religious beliefs go
into either group, pay attention to them, because you won’t be
happy if they aren’t there (or are and shouldn’t be) and the
relationship won’t work in the long run.
Begging the question is what Zen is all about. The koan can mean
you’re asking a question no one knows the answer to, or that you
don’t need an answer to, or you know the answer as well as
anyone, you just don’t know it by reason (which is limited).
In the case of religious beliefs, the emotionally intelligent
thing to do is to figure out what you want (work with a coach
for clarity; it’s worth it) and then experience the person.
Word your religious “must haves” and “can’t stands” precisely.
Do you mean adherence to a certain set of principals as espoused
by a certain faith, such as being Methodist, or Buddhist? Do you
need someone to agree with every word you say about it?
Or do you believe in certain spiritual principals which could be
compatible with various faiths?
Does it matter to you more how the person argues their faith
verbally, or how they live it in their daily actions and
behaviors? Some people live in a way that’s very compatible with
certain faiths, though they may not officially belong to any
religious organization.
Some religions require only faith; others require certain
actions.
Apply your emotional intelligence competencies as you date.
1. ZEN: “A tree that is unbending is easily broken.” Lao Tzu EQ
COMPETENCY: FLEXIBILITY
Use all your brains. You must feel how you feel around this
person (see point number 2) and also think about what it is
you’re after at the deepest and broadest level so that you can
have the flexibility to deal with another imperfect, not
entirely predictable human being.
2. ZEN: “Only the supremely wise and the abysmally ignorant do
not change.” Confucius EQ COMPETENCY: Understanding of people.
You have to allow for the fact that the individual may change.
Few people make extreme changes in their core being and basic
operating principals, but many of us make changes and
adjustments in behaviors and thoughts. Get to know the person
well enough so you have a sense of their core.
For example: If the person you’re dating has murdered someone, I
wouldn’t stick around. If they were once an addict, have been in
recovery for 20 years, and made sufficient personality changes,
give it a guarded go. If they once kicked a dog and still talk
about it with remorse, full speed ahead. (For more on this “how
much baggage to accept on the midlife dating flight” read
“Midlife Dating Manual for Women” ( http://tinyurl.com/6ny55 ).
3. ZEN: “If you are too excited by joy, later you will have to
cry.” Tibetan saying. EQ COMPETENCY: Reality-testing.
Roughly translated this means that it’s best to go slow and find
a person with a modulated response to you. Don’t get so excited
you aren’t paying attention. Even soul-mates may disagree on how
to load the dishwasher. How can you expect exact alignment in
the articulation of a religious belief? Therefore, number 4.
4. ZEN: “We think in generalities but we live in detail.” Alfred
North Whitehead EQ COMPETENCY: Impulse control
Take the time to get to know the person in little and daily
ways. Someone can talk one way and act another. They can say
they don’t believe in abusing animals (or anything else) and
still do it. Only time will tell.
5. ZEN: “Think with the whole body.” Taisen Deshimaru EQ
COMPETENCY: Intuition
Oddly enough, thinking with the whole body is what intuition is
about. The quickest and surest way to know whether it’s a fit is
to use your intuition (gut feeling, instincts). How do you know
your gut feeling? From your gut! Your body sends you
physiological messages.
Can you completely relax with this person? If so, there is deep
trust, the foundation of lasting relationships.
Has your health deteriorated since dating them? If so, and
there’s no obvious physical cause, move on. Tricky because
dating raises stress levels, which affect our immune system,
which IS our health. Give it time. There’s EUstress and there’s
DIStress. Know the difference. Work with a certified EQ coach.
6. ZEN: “We do not want churches because they will teach us to
quarrel about God.” Chief Joseph EQ COMPETENCY: Constructive
discontent.
When there are disagreements, figure out what you’re really
arguing about. If it’s just semantics, it’s just semantics.
It was in vogue, for instance, in the Renaissance to debate how
many angels would fit on the head of a pin. This is hardly
likely to play itself out in how the person lives their life.
It’s an intellectual exercise.
7. ZEN: “A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes
the hand bleed that uses it.” Rabindranath Tagore EQ COMPETENCY:
Integrated self. The interface between intellect and emotions.
Someone who engages in intellectual repartee about matters of
the heart hasn’t got it together, and you don’t need to
get-together with them. Wouldn’t you rather be loved than
understood, if it came to that (and it will)?
8. ZEN: “Beware, as they say, of mistaking the finger for the
moon when you’re pointing at it.” John Cage EQ COMPETENCY:
Intentionality.
Date the person long enough to determine that when they talk
about their religious beliefs, they have intention to follow
them. In other words, they’re not just repeating something they
memorized, or just saying what they think you want to hear.
Someone deeply in that delicious falling-in-love stage will do
this. Haven’t you? That’s why we take our time. 9. ZEN: “The
first sign of your becoming religious is that you are becoming
cheerful.” Swami Vivekananda EQ COMPETENCY: Positive attitude,
optimism.
IF you believe this is the test of “being religious,” then Swami
Vivekananda is the man for you. If you prefer a person with a
positive attitude, as I do, and it comes with religious belief,
better yet. (Studies show marriages are happiest when the number
of positive comments about self, other and relationship is 3x
the number of negative comments.) 10. ZEN: “When a dog runs at
you, whistle for him.” Henry David Thoreau EQ COMPETENCY: Common
sense! When it feels right and good, go for it!
Ultimately it’s difficult to live with someone who doesn’t have
your same values and priorities. SHAWNA discovered this when
dating a man outside her faith. He loved her and was willing to
convert, attending classes and services with her. She was
troubled that even so, he didn’t “believe” what she did. Growing
up with a certain faith engrains it at a level that can rarely
be approached when it’s learned later in life. There’s a huge
time factor in there. This may or may not be unsurmountable. In
SHAWNA’s case it was. She couldn’t feel he had, or ever would
have, the same beliefs as she did.
TOMAS, on the other hand, fell in love with someone outside his
faith, from another culture, and more than 10 years younger.
“Still,” he said, “we’re two peas in a pod. I could care less if
she goes to a synagogue and I don’t.”
SAMIA married someone she met at her mosque, but problems began
to spring up immediately. “I assumed too much, she said. “I
thought we felt the same way about things, but it didn’t live
out the way I thought it would. I wish I’d given it more time.
It’s hard to think when you’re that much in love.” SAMIA found
it was a difference that wouldn’t work and they separated. In
their case, their religious beliefs, in words, were a match, but
they weren’t lived out in ways that were compatible.
P.S. If you come from different faith backgrounds and plan to
have children, work this one out ahead of time. It can be a
bigee when the time comes.
About the author:
©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach,
http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, internet courses and ebooks
around emotional intelligence for midlife, transitions, personal
development, relationships and career. Susan is the author of
“Midlife Dating Manual.” For FREE EQ ezine,
mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc and put “ezine” for subject.
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